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Karl Lagerfeld Does Not Eat Cookies

Monsieur Lagerfeld famously lost 85 pounds in the early 2000s. Unlike American diets that promise quick, easy, painless weight loss while eating lasagna and brownies, Lagerfeld reports that weight loss is about deprivation and discipline, but mostly deprivation – limitations a self-flagellant could brag about if self-flagellants could brag, which they can’t, as it would require more self-flagellation and cycle endlessly from there. The book he wrote with his doctor, The Karl Lagerfeld Diet, basically encourages near starvation with a few eggs and fresh lemon.

 It is the middle of March, so if you’re failing in your own New Year’s Resolution to lose a few pounds and are ready to punish yourself for it, I’d recommend his diet, with the caution that it can be pricey. Without eating, you’ll certainly save money on groceries, but you’ll need to win a small lottery to support the recommended help from plastic surgeons. Karl encourages self-body-shaming as incentive.

 There’s also The Cookie Diet, which sounds fantastic! Replace both breakfast and lunch with mail-order cookies and eat a “sensible dinner” like – you guessed it – a variation of lasagna!

 I’ve fantasized about the perfect combination of these diets and think we all have: be rail thin and eat cookies for most of the day. Win, win! No more broccoli, no more setting an example for my daughter by eating greens with every meal and starting my day with a mango/avocado shake or scrambled eggs with herbs.

 That’s not a real fantasy of mine, actually. I love knowing the ingredients in my food, preferring natural ones to synthetic at every meal. Perhaps Karl would appreciate a compromise: cookies made with egg whites, like macaroons!

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